“on july 7, 2010, I had my innocence ripped away from me…”
On July 7, 2010, I had my innocence ripped away from me. I was at a sleepover with a music friend and her musician father decided to sexually assault me. In August of 2011, I went to court. I had no idea what to say, how to act, or even what to read out loud. This monster took my childhood away from me, and didn’t spend any time in jail or prison. My mom’s friends would say “but she’s such a pretty girl, no wonder.” Boys in high school would whistle and wink. I didn’t feel safe to be alone anywhere. To this day, if I don’t wear a bra in public, grown men will look me up and down and wink. Coworkers will feel the need to sexually harass and hit on me, no matter my pleas to make it stop.
On September 30, 2016, I had my virginity stolen. A boy I thought I loved put immense pressure on me to “perform” and threatened to break up with me and expose my virginity to my friends if I didn’t have sex with him. For 5 months, I was abused, thrown to the ground, left tied up and blindfolded, and covered in bruises, and had no idea that wasn’t how sex was supposed to go. “He’s just kinky,” I’d tell my friends. But honestly, I needed help.
On October 29, 2017 at 3am, I was raped by a teammate. I had a crush on him, but was blackout drunk and wasn’t able to consent. I “woke up” multiple times during the act, but immediately blacked out again. I woke up that next morning, in my bed, with blood running down my leg and my fishnets ripped to shreds. I quit that team immediately.
Between 2016 and 2019, I had a series of awful hookups, making me return back to my room and cry every time. I had a friend start to finger me during a jazz concert in the concert hall, where I froze. I couldn’t move. After reporting to Title 9, I had administrators try and blame me for wearing a skirt, not getting up, or encouraging the behavior. He eventually left the school due to other girls coming forward. At the administration level, SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. DO NOT SHAME WOMEN FOR SOMETHING THAT IS NOT THEIR FAULT.
On October 29, 2019, I hooked up with my now boyfriend for the first time. I remember a sense of relief. I realized that I had NEVER in my life had safe and consensual sex, and that became obvious while hooking up with him. He had been my friend for 3.5 years and I finally felt safe. When we finally started dating, I would regularly break down in tears, thanking him for making me feel safe. I had NO idea what he was doing differently, but it was worth tears.
No one should EVER have to go through sexual assault, rape, or more. I am grateful for the many friends, family members, and legal victims’ advocates I’ve had over the years.