“I was 15 and I was jumping on a huge trampoline with two of my best friends…”
I was 15 and I was jumping on a huge trampoline with two of my best friends (both men). They had both been drinking, and I had not. I don't remember how it started, but I became aware that they were playing a 'game' trying to catch me. At first it was fun, but then both of them put their arms around me at the same time and knocked me to the floor of the trampoline. I started saying "Get off" and struggling but I couldn't move. That was the first time my body was constrained against my will and I still vividly remember the feeling of abject terror that flooded through me. One of my friends kissed me on the cheek and then bounced away, both of them laughing. I got off the trampoline and went inside. The next day I tried to talk to a female friend about what had happened, saying I was really angry. She told me it didn't seem like that big of a deal. In the end, I agreed with her, and convinced myself that what I felt was fear about what could have happened--but didn't--and not what had actually happened. I mean, a kiss on the cheek is hardly assault, I reasoned. It could have been so much worse.
A couple of months ago, I (now 25) moved to the city where the friend who kissed my cheek lives, so we met up for dinner for the first time in years. During dinner he talked/mansplained to me for 15 minutes or so about the #MeToo movement and the TV show "The Morning Show" and how important/crazy all of the stories coming out were.
I thought about talking to him about what had happened between us 10 years ago. I doubt he even remembers that night, much less has reflected on it or replayed it over and over, like I have. I hate the idea that he gets to walk around thinking he's not like one of "those" men. But I just couldn't find the words to talk about it. I'm embarrassed even now to admit that, because in the years since I have gained a lot of clarity around what happened, how wrong it was, and how valid my feelings were. But the fear of being dismissed is still very much there.