I am my own safety blanket now
I must've been 19 years old. I had a HUGE crush on this boy. I wanted him to care for me so badly. I struggled with extremely low self-esteem. I could not provide a sense of safety and security to myself. That is why I let this happen. The first night we kissed was magical. My heart exploded. The boy I had a crush on wanted to kiss me too. We went back to my room - how had things escalated so quickly? There was suddenly a pressure for me to have sex with him. I was a virgin and I was scared. I sucked his dick so the pressure would stop. The next night we had sex. I was so scared - but I did it because I wanted him to care for me. It worked. I experienced so much physical pain from this experience. I was so so scared. I wanted to wait longer to have sex. But, at the same time, it made me feel loved.
I must've been 20 years old. I was in the midst of my first intimate relationship. I was in love. One night we returned to my room while I was very drunk and he was not. I started to suck his dick but then I started to fall asleep. As I drifted into sleep, my mouth was still on the side of his cock. He pushed me down again. I was falling asleep but I could tell something was wrong. He was forcing me to give him oral sex while I was drifting out of consciousness. I may have started giving him oral...but that did not mean I had to finish it. This continued for what felt like 5 minutes. He gave up as my body went limp. I curled up next to him when he released my head. I was scared but he was my safety blanket. Having him hold me made everything seem better again. I dated this boy for two years and I never once told him that he made me feel scared. I did not want him to leave me.
I was 21 years old. I came out to my boyfriend as queer. He told me he did not support that lifestyle and two weeks later - he broke up with me. I do not think he broke up with me because I am queer. However, I learned that no one that makes me feel scared should be a safety blanket. When I was my most vulnerable - he was not a safety blanket.
I am my own safety blanket now.